Thoughts and Things.

Thoughts

Alright, honestly you guys can just not even bother reading this because I’m embarrassed that I’m even putting it out there, but it’s been eating away at me and I can’t help it. I hate looking around and seeing people so much smaller than me. I hate standing in a room and trying to figure out how much everyone else weighs and realizing that I probably weigh at least twice as much. I can’t take it. I hate seeing picture of girls from my school in their bikinis and knowing that I could never look that good without my clothes on. I hate that he sees me all fleshy and cut and bruised, he must think it’s ugly and gross. And even if he doesn’t think that, I think that. I compare myself to people’s ex girlfriends. I can’t help it. If I’m with someone, I can’t help myself from thinking whether the last girl was prettier, smarter, thinner, etc than me. And most of the time, they are all of those things. I hate it. It drives me insane and I can’t get away from it. These people are all around me; living breathing examples of why I’m just not good enough. I know, I know, I shouldn’t compare myself to others, I’m my own person, we were all made differently blah blah. I know all of that. But my mind just automatically starts picking and comparing every little part of me to every little part of other people. I don’t let people pick me up and I don’t even let certain people hug me because it makes me sick thinking that they could touch me and just feel the fat on me and feel how heavy I am and the possibility that they could be just as repulsed by me as I am of myself. I try and try and try but I can never turn my brain off to the fact that I hate myself. It’s always there and when it’s not throwing it in my face, it’s whispering it in the back of my mind. I never get away from it, ever. Yet I’m still too big. There’s still way too much of me. I have the mind of a sick person and the body of a “healthy” person and I am torn between the two. I don’t know who or what I am and I don’t know which direction to go in and I’m just so stuck. I do my best to handle it and be okay but sometimes, it’s just too much.