Thoughts and Things.

i keep trying to get up and go to sleep and i just end up walking into the bathroom and looking in the mirror and then coming back and sitting back down in my chair and opening tumblr again and again it just never ends

sometimes

i see things from people and im like wow but honestly how can one person be so desperate for attention it’s like probably one of the most annoying things ever and i’d understand more if it were like legit a legit thing and not just you being stupid and stupid but for real im very tired of it at this point and i’d like it if you could take it down like 80 levels and just chill out because not everything is about you okay.

Oh okay

and so I drag myself into my room to try and sleep and of course my entire fucking bed smells like him and now I’m just consumed by my sadness all over again and i’d go sleep on the couch but we were there too and I’M JUST SO TIRED AND I DON’T WANT TO BE SAD ANYMORE HOLY SHIT.

He came over

we laughed and talked and kissed and cuddled and had a lovely lovely time; the usual. all up until about 15 minutes ago when we were saying goodbye and of course i have to open my huge mouth and ask “so how are things with us” but honestly i don’t think that’s really a far-fetched question considering he is the one that told me we can’t do this anymore and now here we are exactly how we were before so…in my opinion, there are a shitload of mixed signals being tossed around. i rephrased the question so many different ways and all he could come up with is “I don’t know. I really don’t know Elyse, I don’t know what you’re expecting me to say, etc” so basically nothing was solved, there were some tears, and still are some tears (from my end at least) but like, why is this so damn confusing? okay so he’s going back to college why does that have to mean that everything is gonna turn to shit? why can’t we even give it a shot? i’m just upset about the whole thing. I want the bullshit to be over. I want things to be okay again. Why do they just keep getting fucked up? I wish that I didn’t feel so much like this whole thing is my fault. I just love him a lot. I really truly care for him so so much and I would be so happy if things could work out between us but at this point, I really just don’t know at all what’s going to happen. I hate this so much.

So

I bought these fat-burning supplement pills today and I’m gonna start using them tomorrow and I’m a little bit scared about how my body will react but I’m crossing my fingers for some good things!

okay

we made out for like 4 hours straight so does that mean things are good now, or…

I’m supposed to

be seeing my ex-boy for a little bit today. im nervous. and also sad.

:(

I just want things to be okay again.

these birth control pills have made me gain so much weight and i have to wear a bathing suit this weekend and i want to just cry.

I could really use

a woman in my life…just saying.

honestly

i’m really just sad. and i don’t know if anyone could make me happy. i think i probably have to find some way to be happy on my own first. but that’s hard. and i’m too sad. and i don’t know what to do or how to be or what to be or who to be. and i just don’t know about anything. i really feel like i’m losing hold of myself more and more every day and i don’t know what’s going to happen with that or with me or with you or with anything. there are just too many things that i don’t know about. too many things that aren’t right and i can’t fix any of them. i don’t want to do this anymore.

Someone

come love me.

I’m lonely and single and lonely.

~*holla at me*~

Today’s just one of those days.

I want to claw every single inch of fat right off of my body. Fucking disgusting.

Late for school.

Ripped all the clothes out of my dresser and sat on the ground and cried and cried and cried. I picked out an outfit last night but when I tried it on this morning, it was disgusting. My stomach got so much bigger; I can tell. I can see it with my own eyes. My mom doesn’t understand any of it, not that I can even tell her all of it. It’s not her fault I guess, but she makes things worse. She just yells at me about how I need to learn to appreciate how beautiful I am. If it were that easy, things wouldn’t be like this. She says how everyone always tells me how pretty I am, and that I should stop being so stubborn and feeling sorry for myself and pull it together and get on with it. I hardly understand this, so I can’t even explain it to her. I don’t know what to do. I hate it. I just want to be able to get dressed for school in the morning and not have to change my outfit 8 times before I find something that looks at least a little bit okay. I’m so tired of it. It’s exhausting and I just want to lay in bed and sleep all day so I don’t have to worry about anything and nobody will have to look at me. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.

Basically

I’m just really fucking lonely and sad and sad and sad and sad and also sad.

Just saying,

if for some reason or another I went to bed tonight and never woke up, I can’t say I’d be too sad about it.

disclaimer: don’t read too far into this, i’m not going to kill myself, okay.

goodnight.